Free Forms winner page 2001

Comedy sceneWinners January 2001

Note: The restaurant table is being used as free office space and is filled with the clients belongings.

First Prize-
From: Jpwiederho(at)aol.com

B. I'll just have another cup of coffee please.
A. I have people waiting for this table, could you ask Jeeves how I can get rid of you ???

Second Prize-
From: Mark James - mjames(at)midsouth.rr.com

A. Sir you've been here for over an hour, aren't you you ready to order yet?
B. Yeah I think so. Ya see my boss just told me this morning that he invested his entire life savings based upon my guarantee that the pork belly market would double by the end of the week. So could I get 2,300 BLT's to go please!

Third Prize-
From: Bruce Elliot - brelliot(at)hotmail.com

B. According to my analysis, you made $20,000 in unreported tips last year.
A. According to my analysis, that blond bimbo you were in here with last month was not your wife. Checkmate!

Honorable mention-
From: Mike Bunnell - MikeB(at)RGInc.com

B. I'm still deciding.
A. Fine, when you've decided, you can reach me at my website. Type: www.dowaitersreallyspitonmyfood.com

Honorable mention-
From: Brinkman, Mary - mbrinkma(at)WALBRO.com

A. Your secretary called. She said she left you a voice mail and an e-mail but you haven't responded to either. Her message is "your wife called and wanted to remind you that you cannot have red meat, or cheese - she recommend a chicken salad with light dressing."
B. I'll have a double cheese burger and an order of fries.

Honorable mention-
From: JohnnyPaleface(at)aol.com

A. No sir, you may NOT E-mail your dinner request.....our server is down.
B. ?!


Comedy sceneWinners February 2001

First Prize-
From: DeliGoof(at)aol.com - DeliGoof(at)aol.com

B. Wow. Nothing like truth in advertising. It was just like your personal ad had said, "Loves long moonlit strolls on the beach." Wonderful. I could die a happy man!
A. So could I.

Second Prize-
From: Nick Wertz - wertz6(at)coolmail.net

B. Honey, I absolutely love your idea on coming to this deserted island. We can finally be alone from the stresses and dangers of the civilized world.
A. I'm still 100% beneficiary on your life insurance right?

Third Prize-
From: gixxr(at)prodigy.net

B. .....if not for the sake of his fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost, the Minnow would be lost.....
A. For all that is wholesome, GOD, please get me off this island!!!!!!

Honorable mention-
From: Scott Vasey - scottvasey(at)hotmail.com

A. I can't believe I let you talk me into stowing away on an airplane.
B. Didn't that Fed Ex guy look a lot like Tom Hanks to you?

Honorable mention-
From: Atariboy71(at)aol.com

A. What's wrong honey??
B. I knew I shouldn't have parked the car here during low tide.

Honorable mention-
From: Sylvia Hanna - shanna(at)sonicport.com

B. In this moonlight, Doris you look 25 years old again.
A. Fred, how much do you think it would it cost to install moon lighting throughout the house?

Honorable mention-
From: Kyra Poppler - electracmplx(at)hotmail.com

B. Ah! The monthly cycle of the moon in it's circled orb. The beauty! The splendor every 28 days!
A. Ah! The bloating, the cramps, the desperate reaching for Midol at the bottom of your purse!

Honorable mention-
From: Julia Di Biase - juliakdibiase(at)hotmail.com

A. It's so lovely here: the stars twinkling, the moon shining, the waves rolling in. Its so calm and peaceful here.
B. Yeah, honey. Kinda hard to believe we are sharing all this with those angry looking Komodo Dragons over there.


Comedy SceneWinners March 2001

Note: The sign says, RADIO DEPARTMENT.

First Prize-
From: Rob Vasey - vaseyrobert(at)hotmail.com

A. $1500?
B. Yes, but it is programed to changed radio stations whenever the Backstreet Boys are on.

Second Prize-
From: Robert Kleinschmidt - gup417(at)gis.net

A. So exactly how much is this high tech, space ship looking radio?
B. A lot more than that old, out of style, toaster looking one that's in that cloud above your head.

Third Prize-
From: Pamela Afilani - lilspender(at)hotmail.com

A. Uh, I was thinking of something more affordable. You know with am, fm, and shortwave.
B. Sure, no problem mister, what's shortwave?

Honorable mention-
From: Scott Vasey - scottvasey(at)hotmail.com

A. Manufactured in Afghanistan by Usama Bin Laden Inc.?
B. We are approximately 95% certain that this is not a bomb, and if you don't like those odds, for a mere two-hundred dollars extra we offer the BOOM Box 2000 with a 2 month life insurance policy.

Honorable mention-
From: Jennie Nielssen - keeplaughing2(at)hotmail.com

B. You won't find another one like this in town at this price!
A. Well, I don't know. I'm not sure that I really need an am/fm radio with tape cassette, CD player, word processor and French toast maker.

Honorable mention-
From: MisterHekkles(at)aol.com

A. The tag says "keep away from babies and the elderly."
B. Thats only if you turn it on.


Comedy secenWinners April 2001

First Prize-
From: Joe Dixon - standupjoe(at)juno.com

A. Polly wants an apology (squak).
B1. I've got to stop buying my parrots from China.

Second Prize-
From: Ejristsfw(at)aol.com

A. Watch it guy. The last date to move that quickly is buried out back.

Third Prize-
From: Jason Torchio - jtorchio(at)MetLife.com

A. Wassssssssssup!
B1. Either that bird goes or I do!!!
B2. Well can you at least grab me a beer before you go?

Honorable mention-
From: Kathy Learning - klearning(at)home.com

A Is there nothing better to watch on T.V. than Survivor. You humans have pathetic taste.
B2. Yeah, well we could have watched Crocodile Hunter if you hadn't erased the tape twit!


Honorable mention-
From: Mike Deffet - mdeffet(at)prodigy.net

A. Squaaawk! - Polly want a backrub? Squaaaawk!
B2. "Molly!" you stupid bird - I told you her name is "MOLLY"!!!

Honorable mention-
From: Jpwiederho(at)aol.com

A. Guawk, Bobs got a new one, Bobs got a new one guawk !!!
B1. What's he talking about ROBERT !!
B2. Beats me but I think I know what I'm having for dinner tomorrow night !!!


Comedy sceneWinners May 2001

Soup again!

First Prize-
From: Kathy Learning - klearning(at)home.com

B. Here Honey, I know how much you like this soup.
A. Have you heard Mom? The Government lifted the ban on tacos and hot dogs!!

Second Prize-
From: Rebecca Maness - rbmaness(at)earthlink.net

B. You know, scientists say that all life was created from a primordial soup.
A. What species is this?

Third Prize-
From: Jpwiederho(at)aol.com

A. Soup, again?? It just keeps coming and coming like that Energizer bunny!!!!!
B. I know honey but so does that zucchini I planted, just wait next week the tomatoes are starting to get ripe.

Honorable mention-
From: Veronica Clay - veronicaclay(at)hotmail.com

B. Your father! He grabbed the gumbo instead of the chum for his deep sea fishing trip. I knew I should have labeled them more clearly.
A. I can't feel my legs.

Honorable mention-
From: Rebecca Maness - rbmaness(at)earthlink.net

B. This soup is from an old family recipe.
A. The Adams family?

Honorable mention-
From: Kathy Learning - klearning(at)home.com

B. Look sweetie, your favorite soup again!
A. O.K., that's it Mom, we're calling the Kraft recipe help line NOW!

Honorable mention-
From: Carlos Esparza - cesparza1(at)austin.rr.com

A. We sure have been eating a lot of soup lately.
B. That is because your father started day trading.

Honorable mention-
From: Jason Torchio - jtorchio(at)MetLife.com

A. MOM! Is this rabbit stew?
B. Come now, honey, you didn't REALLY think we'd be keeping your pet bunny forever, did you?

Honorable mention-
From: Aloha Cat - alohacat(at)mindspring.com

A. Look. There are two bunny rabbit ears coming out of my soup!
B. Are you saying there is a hare in your soup?

Honorable mention-
From: Qi Liu - qiliu1(at)juno.com

A. Mom, your soup as usual is too diluted!
B. Oh, dear, then pour some of the water out.


Comedy sceneWinners June 2001

First Prize-
From: Joe Seitz - dittoditto212(at)msn.com

A. Is he always this playful?
B. When your name is Milton Bradley, you can get away with it.

Second Prize-
From: Mike Hartz - mchartz(at)hotmail.com

A. Larry seems to be taking his lay-off pretty well.
B. Yeah, I think attaching the pink slip to a new scooter really helps. By the way, do you see yourself as more of a chrome guy or flat black?

Third Prize-
From: Gary Cheski - garyc_(at)hotmail.com

B. Do you think you're a qualified applicant for this position?
A. Well, I might be OVERqualified - I crossed the street all by myself to get here, and didn't wet the bed last night.

Honorable mention-
From: Tajuana West - aw(at)webzone.net

A. I'm sorry I'm late for my interview, but some bald moron just tried to run me over with his ... Uh.
B. Don't worry I don't think you'll get the job anyway.

Honorable mention-
From: Mark Santora - msan(at)bellatlantic.net

A. Darlene, I've never seen Mr. Johnson so happy. What's he doing?
B. Trying out your new company car.

Honorable mention-
From: Eileen Nolton - ENolton(at)msn.com

A. Excuse me Miss, is the President 'available' to meet with me?
B. ......Um.....Define 'available'.

Honorable mention-
From: Benjamin Cobb - Bencruz76(at)msn.com

A. What happened to Mr. Johnson's limo?
B. Down-Sizing!

Honorable mention-
From: Dave Minor - dave(at)progressivepi.com

A. Here's my resume. Uhhh...What type of products do you sell?
B. Pharmaceuticals and we're proud to say we do not test our products on animals.


Comedy sceneWinners July 2001

Difficult shot

Note: The golfer has just found his golf ball resting on the snout of an alligator.

First Prize-
From: Jay Todtman - jaynt(at)optonline.net

A. Did you know that Hogan designed this course?
B. Really! Ben or Paul?

Second Prize-
From: Joe Seitz - dittoditto212(at)msn.com

A. Well?
B. This course gives new meaning to the phrase, "golf widow".

Third Prize -
From: Stephen Rosston - srosston(at)hotmail.com

B. Hey! Just what kind of a handicap is this?!?
A. When we made our bet, we agreed that I can use all of the gator-aid I wanted.

Honorable mention-
From: J. Skeeler - jskeeler(at)sympatico.ca

A. Can you play it where it lies?
B. Sure, just bring a dead chicken with my pitching wedge.

Honorable mention-
From: Kathy Learning - klearning(at)home.com

A. Well, did you find it yet?
B. Hey Stan, I think I'm going to take that mulligan right now.

Honorable mention-
From: Dawn Bailey - baileysbakeacake(at)msn.com

A. The looser buys lunch today.
B. Looks like you're eating alone.

Honorable mention-
From: Steve - stevemw(at)optonline.net

A. Why would you need my sand wedge?
B. I said your sandwich!!!

Honorable mention-
From: G. Folsom - gf899(at)hotmail.com

B. I am going to need my AK47 iron, Charlie.
A.?

Honorable mention-
From: Princesa Mulan - PrincesaMulan(at)cs.com

A. Have I ever told you how my uncle Wilson lost his right arm?
B. I don't think this is a good time.

Honorable mention-
From: Ian Kent - iank(at)canada.com

A. Need a hand?
B. Well I might in a minute!

Honorable mention-
From: Kathy Learning - klearning(at)home.com

A. So Pete, how are you gonna play your ball?
B. It's going to cost me either one stroke or an arm.

Honorable mention-
From: Joe Seitz - dittoditto212(at)msn.com

A. Tickle his belly until you gain his affection. Then rub his nose until you have his confidence. Then pat his head until you have his trust. Then massage his snout until you gain his loyalty.

B. Couldn't I just play with another ball?


Comedy sceneWinners August 2001

-2001-

First Prize-
From: Tom Banks - tom.banks(at)prudential.com

B. Well I don't care what it means. If I dig one more bone out of the filter those monkeys are history.

Second Prize -
From: Todd J. Hollon - hollon(at)together.net

A. You know the monolith from "2001: A Space Odyssey"?
B. Yeah, he's an out of work actor who likes to drop in, use the pool, and get free lunches.

Third Prize -
From: Naomi Catalina - timestay(at)concentric.net

A. Well...do something ..you Shmuck!
B. I thought there was something strangely primitive about those A.C. Clark pool repair people!

Honorable mention-
From: Jay Todtman - jaynt(at)optonline.net

B. I guess my poker buddies are finally here.
A. I hate it when you invite those apes.


Comedy SceneWinners September 2001

Talk about being lost!

First Prize-
From: Mike Hartz - mchartz(at)hotmail.com

B. I can't believe it. According to this map we should be in Chicago right now.
A. Perhaps next time we'll try using a map that didn't start out as a place mat at a Long John Silver's.

Second Prize-
From: Melanie K. Doon - Melanie_Doon(at)mantas.com

A. Where the heck ARE we??
B. Well...according to this map, we're about to "boldly go where no man has gone before."

Third Prize-
From: Joe Seitz - dittoditto212(at)msn.com

A. Are your sure you're not reading that upside down?
B. I don't remember a Klingon exhibit at Disneyland.

Honorable mention-
From: Michael Hutton - shutton2(at)bellsouth.net

A. What does the map say?
B. Right now it's pleading the 5th.

Honorable mention-
From: Keir Hunter Hardie - KeirHar(at)aol.com

A. I asked you to find a large parking space.
B. Sorry honey, I thought you said "a large park, in space".

Honorable mention-
From: Ray Schork - R1212121Y(at)aol.com

A. Gar zapma zo no zama!
B. Say's here watch out for alien abductions.

Honorable mention-
From: Roseann Chambers - roseann(at)famvid.com

B. What's the matter, honey?
A. Hold still. There is a HUGE B above your head.

Honorable mention-
From: Joe Seitz - dittoditto212(at)msn.com

A. The drive wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
B. No, but I could have done without the kids asking, "Are we there yet," for the last 238,558 miles.


Comedy sceneWinners October 2001

First Prize-
From: Jpwiederho(at)aol.com

A. You know Bob I know you've had a bad month with the divorce, and the stolen car and all, but I was wondering if you would mind walking around my yard a couple times a day with that dark cloud that's following you because I've just planted some fall plants and bulbs.

B. You know Ted I've always wondered why people have said, with friends like you who needs enemies!!!

Second Prize-
From: Rich Remick - rjrem(at)clear.lakes.com

A. --- So, do you think telling that old Gypsy woman that she "looked fat in those clothes", was a good idea?

Third Prize-
From: Tony Stone - stoneguy(at)bellsouth.net

A. Well, the weatherman did predict local showers for this morning.
B. What I don't understand is how he knew my name and where I'd be.

Honorable mention-
From: JayNT - jaynt(at)optonline.net

B. Why do you think it's following me?
A. Because you're the only one out here with an umbrella!!

Honorable mention-
From: Bulldog6D(at)aol.com

B. See Mike I told you it was going to rain today.
A. Yea John, but when you give your weather forecast on the news, try giving the entire viewing area their forecast also.

Honorable mention-
From: Joe Seitz - dittoditto212(at)msn.com

A. Most men get ring-a-round the collar.
B. I get a rainbow in my shorts.

Honorable mention-
From: John Todd - jtodd(at)joneswalker.com

A. Uh Bob?
B. <Sigh> yeah?
A. Looks like the silver lining has come undone again.

Honorable mention-
From: Theman093(at)aol.com

A: So how ya doin today?
B: I'm feeling a little under the weather.


Comedy sceneWinners November 2001

First Prize-
From: Jason Torchio - jtorchio(at)MetLife.com

A. Aren't you the Surgeon General?
B. Yes, I am. Ironic, isn't it?

Second Prize-
From: Joe Seitz - dittoditto212(at)msn.com

B. Mind if I exercise my constitutional right to spoke?
A. So that's what that smell is. A two hundred year old document on fire.

Third Prize-

From: Rich Remick - rjrem(at)clear.lakes.com

B. Does my smoking bother you?
A. No. Not at all. My husband and I didn't really want to see, smell or taste our food anyhow.

Honorable mention-
From: Jay Johnston - larkenvar(at)worldnet.att.net

A. Do you mind!!?
B. Not at all, please help yourself.

Honorable mention-
From: Gary Flessert - idaho-joe(at)juno.com

A. Excuse me, sir, but this is the non-smoking section!
B. Oh really? I thought it was the non-caring section.

Honorable mention-
From: STAGEMR(at)aol.com

B. Can you imagine some people say cigar smoke is an aphrodisiac.
A. Your place or mine?

Honorable mention-
From: Rich Remick - rjrem(at)clear.lakes.com

A. Excuse me sir, but didn't I see you standing on top of a coal burning plant?

Honorable mention-
From: Kevin Dudginski - bulls3036(at)aol.com

A. Excuse me sir, do you know that the average smoker usually dies at the maximum age of 60?
B. No, but with that in mind, I can tell you are definitely not a smoker.

Honorable mention-
From: b_m_schram_author(at)hotmail.com

A. If you were my husband I'd make you eat that cigar.
B. It would probably be the best meal you ever fed him.


Comedy sceneWinners December 2001

First Prize-
From: JayNT - jaynt(at)optonline.net

B. Who sent you THOSE?
A. They're from my husband. It says, "Violets are blue, Roses are red, Nothing says love, Like a bug that is dead!" You have to understand, he's an exterminator.

Second Prize-
From: Joe Seitz - dittoditto212(at)msn.com

A. For me?
B. Don't feel so bad. The lady next door is getting a bouquet of crabgrass, ragweed and poison ivy.

Third Prize-
From: Gerald Mindel II - GMindel(at)sc.rr.com

B. Here's your delivery m'am.
A. Excuse me, but I ordered some plants for the yard, not some plants to stand guard!

Honorable mention-
From: rbmaness(at)cableone.net

A. My husband is a strong advocate of environmentally safe pest control. be grateful you don't have to deliver the python for the mice.

Honorable mention-
From: Rachel Sutton - AngelicRay(at)email.msn.com

A. Uh...what an interesting Christmas gift?!?!
B. Your family out in Arizona said that since you couldn't come home for Christmas they thought they'd send a little bit of home to you.

Honorable mention-
From: Jay Torchio - Jaytorch22(at)aol.com

B. Flower delivery from your husband.
A. I guess he took it literally when I told him Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Honorable mention-
From: Joe Seitz - dittoditto212(at)msn.com

A. What is it?
B. It's a carnivorous plant with bristled leaf blades which entrap it's victims and treats them to a slow and hideous death. Someone must love you very much.

Honorable mention-
From: Dave Minor - dave(at)progressivepi.com

A. Ouch, It just bit me!
B. Happy Holidays from the Internal Revenue Service. Sign here ma'am.


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